Will Jersey go to war with France? Could this post-Brexit spat turn into World War
3? Well, for now at least we can sleep tightly in our beds as the foreign minister of
Jersey stated, “we are absolutely not going to war with France”.
I know what you’re thinking, isn’t this just clickbait? And more importantly, why the hell does Jersey have a Foreign Minister? In this article, we’re going to delve into whether or not Jersey could indeed go to war with France.
What the hell is Jersey?
We are not talking Jersey as in Jersey Shore fame. Jersey Shore is a god awful tv show based in New Jersey. New Jersey though, was named after the Bailiwick of Jersey a small island off of the coast of France “owned” by the UK.
Many people incorrectly assume that it is part of the United Kingdom, but it is not and is covered under similar lines to places like the Cayman Islands and Bermuda. Essentially it is a cute little fiefdom where rich folk get to store their money without paying taxes. They also produced Mathew Le Tissier, one of the most gifted footballers ever to represent England.
Additionally, Jersey is also home to a disproportionate number of Scottish and Scouse criminals. Many of whom assume the island is easy pickings for drug distribution and robbery. However, they are often mistaken. This is a sleepy island, but its police force certainly isn’t.
Due to it being a target for organized crime from mainland UK, veteran cops from Merseyside Police, Strathclyde Police, and Scotland Yard are often dispatched to the island to carry out undercover operations against drug smuggling gangs who work to bring in class-A drugs from Europe onto the island, where the buying price is astronomically higher than in mainland UK due to Jersey being tightly controlled by the authorities.
Whilst the mainland UK has a reputation for weak sentences and serving half time, the punishment for drug-related crimes is no joke in Jersey. Organized crime figures are often handed lengthy sentences in the island’s only prison of La Moye and are expected to serve the bulk of it. Getting out early on account of good behaviour isn’t a thing here.
Fun Fact: infamous Liverpool gangster Curtis Warren served time in La Moye…
Why does Britain own Jersey?
Mostly because the UK just loves having colonies, do you know the British invented
railways in the developing world? The other part of the story is that Jersey and
Guernsey (another island next to France), were part of the Duchy of Normandy,
who would later become Kings of England. We kept the islands, it irked the French and hilarity prevailed.
Is Jersey independent then?
Well yes, and indeed no. Technically it is owned by the UK, but they have their
own passports, their own currency (kinda), and as stated before a genuine bonafide
Foreign Minister, for all intents they are independent. The UK though are in charge
of the defence of the island, and this is where we draw today’s story from!
Why is Jersey going to War with France?
It’s all related to two of the most boring stories to have plagued the last few years,
Brexit and fishing related to Brexit. Why would you go to war over fish? Well, it’s not actually a first, we refer you here to the cod wars, where the UK and West Germany ganged up in Iceland to tell them who was boss. No one died though, except some cod. You can read about the cod wars here.
So, what is this new fish-based confrontation about?
Every country has territorial waters, even really small ones like Nauru, who for
example sell them mostly to Japan. Nauru is a whole other story you can read
about here.
Jersey has territorial waters, but the French keep fishing in them. Not a problem
when we were all happy members of the EU, but it’s a bit of an issue right post-Brexit. Boris Johnson is a bit under pressure at the moment, being accused of many
counts of corruption.
Therefore in wag the dog fashion he has sent the Royal Navy to protect Jersey.
After what could unite the UK more than a naval battle against France?
Have France surrendered yet?
OK, sorry about that one, but it is literally impossible when writing an article about
France and warfare without making a surrender joke. Sorry French folk of the
world, particularly if you woke. This was merely something we used to call a
joke back in the day.
In actual fact, the French have far from surrendered but have actually pulled a
brilliant move. Being so close to France Jersey gets most of its electricity from
them, so the French have threatened to cut the islands power supply. A bold move
and with the Boris based dick-swinging of sending in the military.
What did the foreign minister of Jersey say then?
In a cavalier attitude, he stated the following with regards to the impending war between the two nuclear states.
“Absolutely not. But let’s be clear, the threats emanating from Paris, and then the threat today of a blockade of our harbour here in St Helier, is totally disproportionate to the technical issues that we’re facing with the implementation of the Brexit trade deal. We take those threats very seriously: we’re grateful to the prime minister for his full support, and what we need to do now is find diplomatic solutions to the issues that we’re facing.”
And people worry about North Korea. Honestly think do you trust Boris, or Kim
more with that big red button? To read about travel to North Korea click here (link).
Would I go and stockpile toilet paper?
You definitely should, I mean it worked during coronavirus right? Or you could
just buy a bum gun as they use in South-East Asia. Honestly, you will never miss
toilet paper again.
Do stockpile though, it is the British way after all. Even if there is not a nuclear war you will be able to make a killing selling it on the black market when the next strain of Covid and, or the Zombie apocalypse arrives.
I’m now off to watch Escape to Victory and remember a simpler time when the French were our friends, the Germans were our enemies, and Sly Stallone proved to be one of the best goalkeepers ever produced by the United States.
So in conclusion, will Jersey go to war with France? Yes, it will.
